


I Don't Think About You Anymore, But I Don't Think About You Any-less.

by antennastohell



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:43:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antennastohell/pseuds/antennastohell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi knew people died and even though he knew the math, knew the reality of it, and how big the planet was, he couldn't quite shake the death of his fiancée.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

"Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them."  
-George Eliot

* * *

 

_Why?_

Levi knew people died. That approximately every eight seconds someone’s life ended. Even though he knew the math, knew the reality of it, and _how_ big the planet was, he couldn’t quite shake the death of his fiancée.

It was a queer kind of sadness. Going into the hospital for the twelfth day in a row to see his lover, only to find out her life support had been cut by her parents, brought a certain kind of smile to his lips. It was as if life was taking another turn, one so unpredictable it caused the man to laugh. He had walked out of the hospital, his mind scattering in a million different directions. Not sure where to go, what to do.

In the end Levi chose to walk home, humming a small tune whilst looking at the sun peeking through the multi-coloured leaves of fall.

 _“Petra would’ve loved this walk.”_ he thought, sighing inwardly as he crossed the street towards his house. Gray eyes darted back and forth, making sure the cars at the stop light continued to stay at their momentary rest. Only did Levi relax when his shined dress shoes hit the sidewalk on the other side of the street. If he was going to be fearful of cars the rest of his life, he would drive himself crazy. He smirked at the thought before fishing his keys out of his pocket. When he reached his door step, he jammed the keys into the lock, only to find it unlocked already. He groaned loudly before opening the door to one of his closest friends, Hanji Zoe.

“Levi!” she smiled, pulling him inside. She took his keys and placed them on the key holder she had bought him last Christmas.

“What are you doing here?” Levi asked, watching his friend carefully. He enjoyed Hanji’s company, in _very_ small quantities. It had been that way since they had first met at University years before.

“I made you lunch. I don’t think Mr. Noodle is gonna cut It.” the taller of the two replied, the smile disappearing. Levi pulled a face, before recovering into a calm façade.

“I don’t really care what I put in my body at the moment.” he said pointedly at his friend while kicking off his shoes. He began climbing the stairs to the main part of the house, frowning at the picture hung on the wall at the top of them. It was a picture from last New Year, where he, Petra, and their close friends wore silly dollar store bought hats and glasses. They all had too much to drink that night, Levi recalled. He looked away from the smiling faces and made his way to the kitchen. Hanji exhaled loudly and ran up the stairs, biding the picture a small smile before following Levi. “I will give you some credit… It smells delicious. What is it?”

“That would be some homemade lasagna.” Hanji said proudly, placing her hands on her hips. Levi raised an eyebrow and pulled the oven handle down. To his surprise, it was indeed a delicious slab of lasagna cooking slowly in his own oven.

“Since when did you learn how to make lasagna?”

“Why is that surprising?”

“You can’t fucking cook.”

“Whatever,” Hanji waved a hand at her friend. “If you MUST know, a client of mine teaches me how to cook.” she stuck out her tongue. The shorter of the pair shut the oven door and stood up straight.

“And here I thought you weren’t going to have any more relationships with the mourning clients you see.” Levi remarked, causing Hanji to glare daggers at him.

“Excuse you. I kept good on my New Year’s resolution. Rude,” Hanji crossed her arms across her chest. “He’s teaching me how to cook because he can’t afford to pay for our sessions. I struck a deal with him.” she said matter-of-factly to her friend.

“Broke and grieving? How horrible.” Levi said without much thought. He sat down at the dinner table and watched Hanji sit near him. Brown eyes stared at him, as if trying to deduce something. “Yes?” to this, Hanji let her hair down, tying it back up in its usual messy bun.

“How was Petra today?”

Now Levi wasn’t a man that cried often. Truthfully, he could not remember the last time he had let even a single tear burst forward from the ever cool façade he wore day in and day out. However, as soon as the words left Hanji’s mouth, something snapped. The last thread that tied him to the denial about Petra’s death broke, sending something of a shattering magnitude into his heart and up to his head. He let out a breath, closed his eyes, and the tears came.

They didn’t stop for two hours after.


	2. For Those Below

“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.”  
-Edvard Munch

* * *

 

 

It had rained the day they put Petra in the ground. She was the first to be put into the new cemetery; the large expanse of the clover covered field stretching beyond her gravestone. The sheer loneliness of it baffled Levi. He knew she was dead, so what did it matter if she was the first to be buried here? Yet despite the logical, it made heart tighten in sadness. For the duration of the funeral, Levi said nothing. Not because he was an atheist amongst Roman Catholics, but because of his former fiancée’s parents.  He resented the fact they had not given him any input or opinion on Petra’s life or even the ending of it. It wasn’t because he wanted her to sit, neither alive nor dead, but because he wanted to see her one last time. It would have brought him peace to know he had _some_ say. Or be there at least. It seemed almost cruel to find out through a sympathetic receptionist. It was true that Petra’s parents neither loved nor hated him, and they didn’t owe him anything in the end. Petra and he weren’t married, they didn’t have kids, and the engagement as a whole was less of a proposal and more of a mutual agreement. The lack of substance he had in terms of the weight of Petra’s ultimate passing was something that angered him. He wasn’t one to lose his temper, but as steel gray eyes shifted over to Petra’s parents, he only felt the pang of hatred in his heart.

Levi knew life wasn’t fair. It hadn’t been fair when his parents divorced, nor had it been fair when his sister died of leukemia. The world was a cruel place and death spared no one. As much as Levi knew this, it still hurt. He lowered his head, a frown stretching across his lips as an ache began in the base of his neck, creeping up into the back of his head. 

“Levi, did you wanna go to the reception?” Hanji asked, for the third time to be exact while the shorter of them delved further into his thoughts. This finally made it into the man’s mind and he looked up at Hanji, her features strewn with only concern for her friend. He looked around and not only Hanji was with him. Beside the brunette stood Erd, Mike, Gunther, and Aruro. All close friends to Petra and himself. On the other side of Hanji stood Levi’s boss and other close friend Erwin Smith. He was surprised when the blond said he would attend Petra’s funeral. They had only met a few times, but there was no hesitation in Erwin’s acceptance. Levi had close friends and he was thankful for them, especially Erwin. They had been good friends since they met years ago; their ever expanding witty remarks a key component in their friendship. Meeting every one of his friends’ glances, Levi exhaled into the cool October air. 

“No. I’d rather just leave.” he said, knowing this would be the best decision for him in the end. Levi knew if he stayed, he’d end up having to talk to Petra’s parents. Above all else, he wanted to avoid that the most. Hanji frowned and ran a hand through her hair, which for once, was down from the usual messy bun she often sported. 

“Did you need a drive?” she asked.

“No, I’m okay. Erwin is going to drive me home.” Levi replied, his eyes landing on said blond, whose gaze was sympathetic towards the shortest in the group. Erwin nodded in agreement to this, while Hanji could only sigh.

“Ah okay. Well, I’ll call you tonight?” the brunette asked, playing with her black scarf. Levi looked at his friend and nodded.

“Looking forward to it. I’ll see you all soon.” Levi promised as he turned on his heel, walking across cemetery. Erwin spared Hanji and Levi’s friends a small smile before walking in the same direction as Levi. 

“You should’ve gone to the reception.” the taller of the two mentioned as he reached his car, which Levi was leaning against. When he said nothing in return, Erwin frowned and hit the unlock button on his set of car keys. Immediately, the shortest of the pair pushed himself off of the car and opened the passenger side door. He swung himself in and slammed it shut afterwards. Erwin grimaced at the slam, knowing at this point that Levi was more angry than sad about Petra’s death. As he got into the driver’s side and close the door after him, he looked at Levi. He couldn’t blame his friend for acting this way. Having a loved one slip past your grasp so easily would upset the most stoic of people. 

People like Levi.

“I can’t face them,” he finally replied, looking ahead at the dirt path. Rain beat down on it, creating puddles all the way down the new road, yet to be paved. Erwin looked at him after starting the car, automatically turning the radio down to a lull. “I can’t face them because I am too angry about what they did. If I went to that reception, Erwin, I would’ve lost my cool. Despite the fact they didn’t warn me about cutting her life support, Petra is still their daughter and I can’t be a dick… I can’t yell at them for being bad people. It’s her funeral and leaving is the only option I have.” he explained, the choking feeling resurfacing. Erwin watched his long-time friend, sighing as he pulled out of his parking spot on the road and beginning their journey to the nearest Starbucks. 

“You know, Levi,” the older of them began, keeping his eyes on the road as he turned onto the street. “We might be assholes to each other, but I won’t laugh if you cry. We’ve been friends for so long, you were at my mother’s funeral. There is no shame in losing yourself from time to time.” he smiled sadly, tapping the wheel lightly as he drove down the barren streets in the rainy Sunday weather. Levi inhaled sharply and leaned foward, resting his head on the glove compartment. When he let the breath out, a sob came with it. For the second time in a week, he let sadness overcome him.

* * *

“I think you should take some therapy classes.” Hanji said, looking at the shortest in their small trio. She had come straight over to Erwin’s house with more Starbucks after the reception, soaked to the point where the blond had lent her a set of clothes. She sat curled up in the bucket chair, sipping her drink in an oversized shirt and sweat pants. 

“Excuse me? I don’t think so. I don’t pay people to take care of me. I can do it myself for free. What happened to you calling me tonight anyway?” Levi asked, watching the girl across from him and Erwin. Said man stared at Levi, sighing heavily at his retort.

“She’s right, Levi. It would help you.”

“Changed my mind. You need the company right now. We know you better than that. Anyway, you wouldn’t have to pay me. Listen, I started doing these group therapy sessions for the grieving. We meet every Friday night. It’s good to talk about it; all my clients have a better time talking about everything to others who have lost someone. I might be a therapist, but nothing beats talking to someone who is in the same position as you. I think you should come along.”

“Why on Earth would I do that? I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I have my friends and that is enough.” Levi frowned, looking to Erwin for some support. He found none.

“Levi, Hanji has a point. We are your friends, but I think you would benefit from talking to people who are going through the same thing.” he reasoned, taking a sip of his black coffee. Levi sighed and looked at his tea, not convinced by any of it. Hanji took notice to this and snapped suddenly.

“I have an idea! Come to at least one!”

“Ugh. I don’t want to.”

“Just one, I promise. I could introduce you to the guy who taught me to make that delicious lasagna.” she promised, smiling a bit. Levi looked up from his tea, raising an eyebrow at her cooing tone.

“Oh? What makes you think I care for Mr.Broke and Grieving anyway?” he asked, leaning his chin on one hand. 

“You just showed me you do, dude.” she smiled more.

“I just liked the lasagna a lot. Calm yourself,” Levi frowned, watching Hanji’s eyes glitter with curiosity. “What’s his name anyway?” at this, Hanji took a small sip of her latte.

“Eren Jaeger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, actual Eren introduction. (Kinda.)  
> But seriously, he'll be in the next chapter. As always, comments/critiques are much appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> First Ao3 fanfiction. Be gentle with me! This is only the prologue, sorry that it's so short! Comments are much much appreciated, even a little critique would be fab! :)


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